Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize