my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can you bring me the toilet please
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
