you inspire me to be a worse person
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
