Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
