I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
