Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
