It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize