You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
