i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
