i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Your cock deserves a montage
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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