Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
