can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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