so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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