Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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