Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
