she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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