Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
