fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
