i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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