im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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