Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
