You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
