so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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