she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Randomize
