He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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