That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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