I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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