I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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