In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
