It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
