A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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