I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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