Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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