True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
