sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
