ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
