theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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