dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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