before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
