Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
