i think my mom watched the whole time
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
