There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She announced her abortion via fbk
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
