apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
