all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
