why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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