First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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