First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
