Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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