what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
