I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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