I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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