I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
