Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They have beer where we have blood.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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