Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize