And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
