I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
