does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
